Drive

I always thought. What was it that suddenly cause me to work so hard and study so hard since secondary school. I used to be obsessed with gaming. I copied homework in school or sometimes didn't even do it. Because of that, I flunk my PSLE. I got an aggregate score of only 184 while most people would get 200+ or maybe 220+. I can't even get into an express stream and thus I ended up in a Normal Academic Stream. We were looked down upon on by others. People who can't study. People with no future. But those days I didn't care about all these. All I cared about was to end each day quickly so I could get home to play my Maplestory, Runescape and etc. There were so many games for me to play and so many achievements for me to complete. I didn't spare time for studies. I continued to rank below average in class.

I was pretty interested and good in math and I managed got into the first class which was supposed to be the top NA class. However, my results still remain the same for semesters. It was until Sec 4 when one exam had changed my fate since then. It was an Elementary Math exam. Days after the exam, everyone in class received our results. That time I only got a B3 which ranges from 65-69. Yet I was ranked third in class for E-Math. I was happy of course. For someone who always ranked below average, it was an achievement for me. It felt great. It created some sort of a force in me. I knew then, that I wanted to win. I wanted to rank higher. But back then, the temptations of playing computer games still exist. I knew if I wanted to rank higher, score higher, I had to sacrifice my times for games. Not just a little, but entirely. It was a painful decision. I had to resist strong temptations and urge in order to study. Many a times, it makes it hard for me to focus. So I continued to resist.

I started working on Math. Not just E-Math but also Additional Math. Started by just doing homework and then I move on to do extra revisions. The next exam came. Think I scored A1 for both Math or maybe one A1 and one A2. I felt like my effort is starting to pay off. I continued to work harder. This time round I continued to revise on my Math and additionally started working on my Combined Science. Then it was the end of Sec 4. Managed to get two A1s for Math and one A2 for Combined Science. Moreover, Sec 4 is the year which I get to take 'O' Levels E-Math unlike other subjects which were 'N' Levels. Everyone in my class took the exam. The results came out next year. Only 3 had gotten the desired A1 results. About half the class got A2. The rest didn't make the cut. I top the class for Math last year. So, I really wanted to get an A1 for this. Moreover, I wouldn't have to re-take to get a better score this year. My teacher had named 2 persons before the results were given at the end of the day. I was worried if I'm the last person. It was until I received my results slip that I jumped in joy. Finally gotten the A1 that I worked so hard for. It was another motivation for me for my final year. As I wouldn't have to take 'O' Level E-Math anymore, I just needed to focus on my other subjects. I started the year with a great boost. My foundation for Math and Science is already there. I just needed to maintain them. However, my other subjects like Chinese, Combined Humanities, English, Design & Technology are still pretty poor. I started working on these subjects. Lucky for me, I get to study 5 years. If I only studied 4 years, I wouldn't have enough time to study the remaining subjects and I would have flunk 'O's. It was hard. All of a sudden got to study everything in just 1 and a half years, considering that I did almost nothing for the past 3 and half years. Temptations to play computer games still exist once in awhile. But sometimes I do give in to my temptations after resisting for so long.

After completing 'O's, it was not long before we receive our results. I managed to get five A1s, one A2, and one B4. The B4 was my English. I regretted so much not putting enough effort in it. I spent a lot of time studying the other subjects while I knew my english was weak and yet I put in little time to improve it. That was my regret during that time. Got an L1R5 of 9. It could have been 6 if I spend more time with english.

During JC days, I used that drive of wanting to rank high and the drive to make up for my english score to study hard throughout the 2 years. I spent almost everyday studying, including weekends. However it was a bit too much though. Because of that, I didn't really get to enjoy JC life. So was a bit sad and wasted. Didn't do really well for 'A's. Only got 3As and 2Bs. But well, managed to get into the course I wanted to. It's been awhile since I studied anything. Hopefully the drive in me still remains. I need to constantly find new motivations to keep me going. I still remember what one of Secondary school teacher said. "The challenge is not to obtain success, but to maintain it". These words always remind me that I shouldn't be wasting time doing unnecessary and unproductive stuff. Because, if I do so, I would be further away from success.

Right now, I'm still lost. I don't know what am I going to do next. Still looking for a job but nobody contacted me after going to so many recruitment agencies. Really feel kinda lost and lack of energy and motivations. But after thinking back, I felt that I can't let the "Past Me" down. I need to keep my focus, spend my time fruitfully and not waste it. Hopefully I can get back to my original self soon.