Twisted Logic

About one and half week left before I ORD. I have still yet to secure a job. Moreover, BTT is coming soon and I have yet to revise anything yet. All I'm doing now is to rely on recruitment agencies to help me find an Admin Job but so far I haven't been shortlisted in any yet probably I lack working experience. But thinking back about this logic, doesn't mean I have worked before means I would be good in my new job. I could have been giving my fliers as a part timer in the past. But that doesn't mean I will be effective in taking up administrative tasks. Sometimes people's logic just doesn't make sense to me. Many said I don't have any working experience. But they didn't consider that many others don't have the relevant working experience as well. At least I had been doing admin work for the past whole year thanks to NS. Another question is this, if all employers are to hire people with working experience, who is going to hire those without? Is the economy just going to use the same group of people over and over again till their age is 99 and finally decide to start employing entry level applicants? Shall see how things goes..

Life Being An Unemployed Yet Busy

Currently I'm still clearing my offs and leave. Initially during my break, I didn't have much to do. Just looking for jobs and doing my routine exercises and playing computer games. However, the pass few days I bought 3 books which made me pretty busy. I bought an Excel Guidebook, POA 'O' Levels Topical Guide and a book that's called "How To Talk To Anyone". These books have kept me quite busy. Actually I'm partially so busy because I still have yet to completely give up totally on the time for gaming. Though I reduced the amount of time I play each days so that I can read these books, but time is still insufficient... Sigh if only I had 48 hours a day. But these 3 books had been quite enriching for me. I've been learning new things everyday for the past few days thanks to those books. Seems like I need to make a bigger sacrifice to cater for time for the books.

Recently I have increased my runs' distance up from a 5km plus to a 8km plus. More tiring definitely but I feel greater sense of accomplishment after each runs. Knowing I can run longer makes me feel better and healthier. Since I run every alternate days, one week I could run up to 32km!! I guess the distance I ran could be twice as much the distance some adults walk. I had started running 4 years ago. At that time, running was purely 3 reasons. First, it is to train me for National Service. I knew I was physically unfit. Thus, I started training to prepare me for the worst. So I can endure training better during NS. Secondly, it was for my ego, didn't want to show others that I'm that weak. Especially in front of girls lol. Thus every time I run I would be imagining people are looking at me and there's no way I would slow down. Lastly, for physical build. Running tones our muscle. Making a person look better. Moreover, since I took up Rock-Climbing, upper body fitness wasn't a problem to me. To balance out, I need to improve my lower body fitness by running. Until now I'm still not as fit as others despite training so much. I guess nature do play a significant part in our physical strength. However, now I'm running to maintain my fitness and my health and more importantly, I started to love running. It feels good after each run. The refreshing feeling you get after you shower after a run is just too awesome. Running has been my new passion since. Hopefully I can continue run till the age when I can't even walk hehe

Priority

Nowadays I've have planned to do a lot of stuff but I haven't been faithfully following my plans. These are the list of things that I have planned to do:
1. Learn Basic Accounting
2. Learn Excel
3. Read as many books as possible
4. Maintain my routine runs
5. Study for BTT

Basically that's all I want to do for the next 2 weeks. Time is short but I have no choice but to rush. Gotta focus on all these instead of playing dota 2 all day long. Gaming addiction might just elapse again.. It has ruined my life and I'm still playing despite knowing that lol. Sometimes logic just isn't enough to convince me not to play. Gotta get my priority right. Wrong prioritization has caused me to made many mistakes in my life so far and mostly it concerns my studies. Time to have some discipline and stay focus!

Energy

Personally, I feel that I'm a person that is filled with lots and lots of energy. However, I always spend all these energy in the wrong way. To be honest, I'm a shy person. I tend avoid eye contact with people or sometimes even avoiding people. In gatherings or social events, I tend to feel drained out because I expense a lot of energy. Probably because I'm an introvert, I don't deny that. Because of that, I think I looked like someone that lacks confidence in the other's opinion. My energy is spent mostly on thinking how I should behave in public and walking fast to avoid crowds. These thoughts and actions drains a lot of energy.

However, I recently realized that the only time I not conscious of my actions and behavior is when I have little energy left. Usually after my routine runs, when I would feel sore and tired. My walking speed would decrease significantly (Finally walking like a normal human). and I would just continue walking without avoiding eye contact and feeling confident. I'm thinking when my energy level is low, I don't bother about all those thoughts. Like I'm already so tired, why should I make myself even more tired. Funny thing is, I don't apply this logic during normal times.

As for times when I'm alone, I feel that my energy is unlimited. I can keep working, playing all day long without feeling tired at all. It's also probably why I like running alone. I get to spend time with myself while training my mental and physical strength. During runs, I always talked to myself, asking myself to go further, faster or simply not to stop (What an introvert I am). No doubt I am an introvert, but when I becomes open to people, I tend to become dominant. So some people do not find me an introvert. Feeling as though I'm an oxymoron. Well that's all I have for now~

Drive

I always thought. What was it that suddenly cause me to work so hard and study so hard since secondary school. I used to be obsessed with gaming. I copied homework in school or sometimes didn't even do it. Because of that, I flunk my PSLE. I got an aggregate score of only 184 while most people would get 200+ or maybe 220+. I can't even get into an express stream and thus I ended up in a Normal Academic Stream. We were looked down upon on by others. People who can't study. People with no future. But those days I didn't care about all these. All I cared about was to end each day quickly so I could get home to play my Maplestory, Runescape and etc. There were so many games for me to play and so many achievements for me to complete. I didn't spare time for studies. I continued to rank below average in class.

I was pretty interested and good in math and I managed got into the first class which was supposed to be the top NA class. However, my results still remain the same for semesters. It was until Sec 4 when one exam had changed my fate since then. It was an Elementary Math exam. Days after the exam, everyone in class received our results. That time I only got a B3 which ranges from 65-69. Yet I was ranked third in class for E-Math. I was happy of course. For someone who always ranked below average, it was an achievement for me. It felt great. It created some sort of a force in me. I knew then, that I wanted to win. I wanted to rank higher. But back then, the temptations of playing computer games still exist. I knew if I wanted to rank higher, score higher, I had to sacrifice my times for games. Not just a little, but entirely. It was a painful decision. I had to resist strong temptations and urge in order to study. Many a times, it makes it hard for me to focus. So I continued to resist.

I started working on Math. Not just E-Math but also Additional Math. Started by just doing homework and then I move on to do extra revisions. The next exam came. Think I scored A1 for both Math or maybe one A1 and one A2. I felt like my effort is starting to pay off. I continued to work harder. This time round I continued to revise on my Math and additionally started working on my Combined Science. Then it was the end of Sec 4. Managed to get two A1s for Math and one A2 for Combined Science. Moreover, Sec 4 is the year which I get to take 'O' Levels E-Math unlike other subjects which were 'N' Levels. Everyone in my class took the exam. The results came out next year. Only 3 had gotten the desired A1 results. About half the class got A2. The rest didn't make the cut. I top the class for Math last year. So, I really wanted to get an A1 for this. Moreover, I wouldn't have to re-take to get a better score this year. My teacher had named 2 persons before the results were given at the end of the day. I was worried if I'm the last person. It was until I received my results slip that I jumped in joy. Finally gotten the A1 that I worked so hard for. It was another motivation for me for my final year. As I wouldn't have to take 'O' Level E-Math anymore, I just needed to focus on my other subjects. I started the year with a great boost. My foundation for Math and Science is already there. I just needed to maintain them. However, my other subjects like Chinese, Combined Humanities, English, Design & Technology are still pretty poor. I started working on these subjects. Lucky for me, I get to study 5 years. If I only studied 4 years, I wouldn't have enough time to study the remaining subjects and I would have flunk 'O's. It was hard. All of a sudden got to study everything in just 1 and a half years, considering that I did almost nothing for the past 3 and half years. Temptations to play computer games still exist once in awhile. But sometimes I do give in to my temptations after resisting for so long.

After completing 'O's, it was not long before we receive our results. I managed to get five A1s, one A2, and one B4. The B4 was my English. I regretted so much not putting enough effort in it. I spent a lot of time studying the other subjects while I knew my english was weak and yet I put in little time to improve it. That was my regret during that time. Got an L1R5 of 9. It could have been 6 if I spend more time with english.

During JC days, I used that drive of wanting to rank high and the drive to make up for my english score to study hard throughout the 2 years. I spent almost everyday studying, including weekends. However it was a bit too much though. Because of that, I didn't really get to enjoy JC life. So was a bit sad and wasted. Didn't do really well for 'A's. Only got 3As and 2Bs. But well, managed to get into the course I wanted to. It's been awhile since I studied anything. Hopefully the drive in me still remains. I need to constantly find new motivations to keep me going. I still remember what one of Secondary school teacher said. "The challenge is not to obtain success, but to maintain it". These words always remind me that I shouldn't be wasting time doing unnecessary and unproductive stuff. Because, if I do so, I would be further away from success.

Right now, I'm still lost. I don't know what am I going to do next. Still looking for a job but nobody contacted me after going to so many recruitment agencies. Really feel kinda lost and lack of energy and motivations. But after thinking back, I felt that I can't let the "Past Me" down. I need to keep my focus, spend my time fruitfully and not waste it. Hopefully I can get back to my original self soon.

ABC

This is a story of a close friend of mine who shared his story with me. I shall name him Boy A. Boy A had a close friend Girl B. One day Boy A told Girl B that he had a crush on Girl C which is a friend of Girl B. Boy A continued to like Girl C for a long time despite having no advancement and Girl B continued to be good friends with Boy A. Also, Boy A continues to ask Girl B to introduce Girl C to him. However, as time passed, Boy A started to like Girl B. But he thought it was just a moment of desperateness that he like her. So he avoided this feeling. One day his close friend Girl B has a boyfriend. Still he continued to avoid his feelings while thinking that he likes Girl C. Almost 4 years had passed since they knew each other and one day while Boy A was cleaning his cupboard, he found gifts, letters and photos of Girl B and him together. He then realized, that every phase of the 4 years that he was going through, he had receive encouragement letters from Girl B as well as the time she had spent together with him. Someone so nice had been with him all along. Yet he was blind to all her efforts. He was ignorant of her devotion. It was then he realized that he had love her all along. He just refused to accept that he like her because of peer pressure and his foolish crush over Girl C who he barely even know. He realized it was already too late. He probably had hurt her feelings. Moreover, he lost the chance to be with her. He now regretted it and he felt guilty for his foolishness. He kept running away from his true feelings and seek after beauty which blinded him from the truth. Boy A then said, if he had a chance to relive the 4 years, he would do it. He do not know what to do now, but thought of making it up to her in anyway to make her happy.

End

Audit is finally over. I have 0 working days left till ORD. Now, it time for a long break and I have planned out what I want to do through out the 10 months before I start school next year. Quite excited to ORD at the same time sad to leave my second family. The people in there are wonderful. Unlike elsewhere, every emotions expressed in the unit were real. My buddies and I communicated and bonded through scoldings and we all know it's all in the name of fun. It's sad to part ways but it's unavoidable. People come and go. It's a natural cycle that repeats in our entire lifetime. It's finally time for me to do something for myself instead of  for someone else. There are plenty of things that I want to do and I gonna take it a step at a time. Too lazy to write anymore today. Shall continue next time~